May 27, 2010

You know, quite often I wonder how things would have turned out if I did not do something about it or did not change it at the time it happened. A lot of the time I say I would never change a thing. Well, tonight it became quite apparent that there are some things I would change, many right now that I do not feel ready to tell everyone. But I don't have to say what they are to tell you how much they have affected my life, then and now. For years I lived with several problems, not health or family issues per say, but more like environmental concerns. They could have been dealt with, but because of external factors, many of which were completely out of my control, these problems never got dealt with and became worse and worse. Then finally it got to a point where family pointed this stuff out to me and my immediate family. They came to me first about it, which says a lot since they trusted me enough to confront me on how to deal with the situation. Well, since then things started looking up, until about six months ago that is. Everything was going real great, then all of a sudden it was like all that progress came to a halt, much like earlier problems not being dealt with. So that progress sat and sat and became a normal situation. Well, it's been almost a year since first confronted with the problem, and there are still many things to be fixed, yet they sit there, unchanged, and in some cases getting worse. Well, tonight they came to the forefront again, it started as just a night of hanging out and all that good stuff, then switched to the subject of the many problems lately. Eventually it got to how to fix those problems, again. Now normally these things get pretty heavy, and certainly the first time they were brought up they were. Now it is not so bad. This time around I know what to expect and what to avoid. We finally came to the conclusion that this is going to take a lot more planning than the first go around, and if all goes as planned to start the main plan, then it should go quickly and with minimal pain. You never know, so many factors go into these kinds of things, regardless, what needs to get done will get done, whether I get help from certain people or not.
No matter how much this sounds very bad in regard to self harm or whatever else, that is not what this is about. It is about the fact that some people refuse to change, and it takes time to find a way to get them to better themselves. At this point this is going to require some help from outside, if you can call them that, sources. Hopefully these people are willing to help, which I'm sure they are, but then again, you never know.
This all really makes me feel, well, overwhelmed. I'm not worried, there is just a lot of "work" ahead. I have some planning I need to do along with some amount of thought as to how I am going to go about some things. More than anything right now though I am kind of angry. Several things have not been working out in my favor lately and it makes things quite difficult, but I'll manage as always. As far as what those problems had done to me years ago, well, let's just say I had many, many underlying issues that many people did not know about, including my Grandparents who I am very close with. This calls for opening up many doors in my emotional wall in order for people to see what is really going on inside my head, because for too long I have kept my mouth shut. It is time for people to really see what is going on, and what problems they are really causing.