January 10, 2011

First post of the New Year, but also probably one of my most difficult. Mainly because I'm going to have a hard time explaining this. I just watch The Art Of Travel, a movie about a kid fresh out of high school who is planning to marry his first love but is jilted when he finds out some information. So he runs away to South America and starts an adventure. Basically what I'm finding so difficult is what emotion to feel. I'm a sap when it comes to love stories, but this one took the cake. I'm not going to ruin it for you, it's a great movie and you should watch it. It really pulled some strings, but in the end left me happy and more enriched for sure. I just can't stop thinking about what could have happened, and I guess I'll never find out, which is probably why I consider it such a good movie. Basically what I think I'm getting at is that I want that experience, not necessarily THAT one, but something like it, something worthwhile. Of course life is not a movie, its a series of events, which I got from another movie I saw earlier today, Strictly Sexual, also pretty good. Anyway, I want to find that person, I feel like it would make my life complete, I still have things to finish, like school, getting a job, all that stuff, but I'd like to find that person that will go through all of that with me, all the while finding new, exciting things to do either by traveling or staying in some nights and just enjoying each others company. It's been a long time since I've had that, and I can honestly say I miss it.

December 26, 2010

I didn't get everything I wanted for Christmas. I got some things that I can use, which is great, and I'm really thankful. But, most of all I wanted one friend to have a better Christmas than she got. I know it was tough for her, much tougher than it was for me, but it still made me hurt a little, because I know she doesn't deserve it. It's not about what she didn't get, it's about what she lost, and if there was anything I could do to fix it I would. Somehow I hope to help, in one way or another, but it's difficult because I'm at a loss for words and actions. Hopefully things lighten up a bit soon, but having those problems during the holidays is not good, nowhere close. So hopefully she reads this, because then she'll know what I've had a hard time telling her. She already knows I'm there for her, but I'd like her to know that I want to help her more than I can.

December 21, 2010

So last night me and a friend were talking, about a lot of things, but one thing came up that got me thinking, a lot, for a lot of reasons. The main thought I had though was about life. The idea that life doesn't really have a meaning seems realistic a lot of the time, but then again, no one knows if there really is a meaning or not. Why are we all here, because if you think about it all we've done is exist, become modern, and used the earth to become modern, so we're basically sealing our own fate. But I think what we're looking for lies beyond that. Yes, maybe some people were put on the planet to further society, but what about others? Some were meant to help people or some were meant to "lead by example". Either way it's difficult to really know what you were meant to do. You think about all the people that died too early, maybe it was for a reason, maybe we are supposed to learn from that. It could be some sort of evolution or creative design, but regardless many of us will never live to see our purpose, because either it's not that apparent or we die, not ever finding it out. And that may be because our death was meant to serve our purpose. All of those people dying of cancer, died to help further us closer to a cure. All of those people that died in wars, died because they were showing that war really solves very little other than what side you are on. Life is one big lesson, I believe, each person learning their part in society, learning from one another. But until you find that purpose you may feel lost, and like life isn't worth it. I don't think that's a reason to feel upset, it's difficult not knowing what you're supposed to do, but that's why you roll with the wave. Eventually it may become apparent that you were meant to do something big.

December 14, 2010

It's finals week, so everything is starting to slow quite a bit, which is nice cause this last semester was a bitch. Since there is more downtime though I tend to think about things a lot more. I've come up with the possibility of a good story, played a lot of halo, thought of several ideas for drawings, just a lot of stuff. But there is one thing that keeps popping into my head.

Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I'm not really noticed. And even though it sounds odd I really noticed it when listening to Ghost! by Kid Cudi. He sings about how everyone is around yet somehow he goes unnoticed. It's a lot like that, not that I don't talk to people, or that they don't talk to me, but mainly it's like they only really talk to me when they need me for something. That doesn't go for a lot of people, but there's also a majority that seem to go by that standard. It's really odd when one moment you can talk to someone and realize you have a lot in common, then all of a sudden you just stop speaking. For a little while anyways, because at some point they need something again. But, when you ask them to do something, like hang out or anything outside of the usual relationship then things get awkward. This has happened a few times, and in some cases I just gave up, there's really no point in looking for acceptance where it's not given. But it still seems to bother me once in awhile. I start thinking about things I could have done differently or things I just shouldn't have done, period. And then sometimes it's people outside of the situation that make it awkward as well. Either by inserting themselves or hinting at certain things. And yea, sometimes that's the push that the situation needs, but in most cases it really hasn't helped.

At the core of the problem I guess I just really would like to get to a point where I'm not thought of only as the guy that's there to help but the guy that's easy to talk to and hang out with. Cause quite honestly being used is not fun, and that's what it's beginning to feel like. I try to think of ways to solve the problem, but in the end I always end up thinking, or knowing, that it would not work, so I leave it be. Maybe that's all I'm going to be until I find some that will allow me to be something more.

November 24, 2010

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, got some good feedback so figured I'd share. Depending on what I hear I may post more.



I'm just that nice guy
You know, that friend guy
That one you'll talk with
But never get with

You'll tell me everything
Even that one thing
Let me buy you a drink
You don't have to think

You still hesitate
You don't cooperate
What's the problem baby
Was I too forward?

So many signals
I'm crossing the lines
I don't know what you want
More than half the time

But still I stay here
You need someone to tell
Some to listen
I'm under your spell

Cause I'm that nice guy
You know, that friend guy.

November 11, 2010

Kid Cudi's sophomore album Man On The Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager, for lack of a better description, is dope as hell. He's definitely stepped his game up since his first album. He stepped away from the storytelling, which has it's pluses and minuses but overall it was a good move. The album does lack cohesiveness but I believe that's what gives it such a lasting effect. I've listened to this album about six times since last night, and it just keeps getting better. He's still the same old Cudi singing about smoking weed, drinking, and having so many problems in his life, but it works. Just like Man On The Moon I can related to a lot of the songs on the album which is 17 this time around. Each song has a different feel, but they all have that signature basic beat to them with a little extra added in here and there.
Overall I would have to say the album is amazing, each song bringing a new style, each being almost as good as the last. So far I would have to say Mr. Rager and Ghost! are my favorite songs on the album, but that could change as I continue to listen. In my opinion the hype leading up to this album was warranted, and the wait was well worth it. I definitely give it an A.

September 28, 2010

For the last few weeks I've been pretty down. No money, a lot of work, and several other things that just don't seem to go my way, including some family issues I still haven't worked out. All in all my life feels like hell. I got real, real down one night, felt like I was a worthless nobody, then I wrote down everything I was thinking about and after about two hours I felt ten times better. Everything was good for a few days, then the pain of having no money hit again, and I got a call from my Mother telling me a family friend had died, not really anything I can do about it, but it still sucks. But then tonight happened.

First I went to this show "Elephant" put on by one of the professors/alums here at the U of I. It was actually pretty freakin' cool, a lot to enjoy, it was an art piece in the form of acting, dancing, storytelling, and a theatrical experience as well. After that I headed to the studio to start working on my project, which sucked. Then I started talking to one of my good friends who's been having a rough go at it as well. So I did what I always do and listened to her. That's probably what I'm best at anyway. Then it dawned on me, if I have no other purpose in life but to be a friend for someone who needs it, then I'm fine with that. I mean yea, Landscape Architecture is my passion, and I will continue learning it and eventually become a Landscape Architect, but I will always be a friend to someone in need. Now, I'm not saying once that need is gone I'm gone, I just want to be there for someone like so many have done for me. This girl I've been talking to lately, yea, we've only known each other for about a year, but I would do just about anything for her, mainly because it seems that would just help her a ton, but because I'm in the same situation in a lot of ways, her problems are different, but they tend to mirror mine. Some things she's going through are a lot different than anything I've ever experienced so I'm just trying to be understanding and offer what little advice I can. Basically everything I can gather from that and many other conversations I've had with others can be put into one thought. Maybe I'm here to be the person to talk to, maybe I should take that time away to just help others. I could be wrong, but for now, if that's what's keeping me sane then I'll continue to help others stay sane as well.