December 14, 2010

It's finals week, so everything is starting to slow quite a bit, which is nice cause this last semester was a bitch. Since there is more downtime though I tend to think about things a lot more. I've come up with the possibility of a good story, played a lot of halo, thought of several ideas for drawings, just a lot of stuff. But there is one thing that keeps popping into my head.

Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I'm not really noticed. And even though it sounds odd I really noticed it when listening to Ghost! by Kid Cudi. He sings about how everyone is around yet somehow he goes unnoticed. It's a lot like that, not that I don't talk to people, or that they don't talk to me, but mainly it's like they only really talk to me when they need me for something. That doesn't go for a lot of people, but there's also a majority that seem to go by that standard. It's really odd when one moment you can talk to someone and realize you have a lot in common, then all of a sudden you just stop speaking. For a little while anyways, because at some point they need something again. But, when you ask them to do something, like hang out or anything outside of the usual relationship then things get awkward. This has happened a few times, and in some cases I just gave up, there's really no point in looking for acceptance where it's not given. But it still seems to bother me once in awhile. I start thinking about things I could have done differently or things I just shouldn't have done, period. And then sometimes it's people outside of the situation that make it awkward as well. Either by inserting themselves or hinting at certain things. And yea, sometimes that's the push that the situation needs, but in most cases it really hasn't helped.

At the core of the problem I guess I just really would like to get to a point where I'm not thought of only as the guy that's there to help but the guy that's easy to talk to and hang out with. Cause quite honestly being used is not fun, and that's what it's beginning to feel like. I try to think of ways to solve the problem, but in the end I always end up thinking, or knowing, that it would not work, so I leave it be. Maybe that's all I'm going to be until I find some that will allow me to be something more.