December 26, 2010

I didn't get everything I wanted for Christmas. I got some things that I can use, which is great, and I'm really thankful. But, most of all I wanted one friend to have a better Christmas than she got. I know it was tough for her, much tougher than it was for me, but it still made me hurt a little, because I know she doesn't deserve it. It's not about what she didn't get, it's about what she lost, and if there was anything I could do to fix it I would. Somehow I hope to help, in one way or another, but it's difficult because I'm at a loss for words and actions. Hopefully things lighten up a bit soon, but having those problems during the holidays is not good, nowhere close. So hopefully she reads this, because then she'll know what I've had a hard time telling her. She already knows I'm there for her, but I'd like her to know that I want to help her more than I can.

December 21, 2010

So last night me and a friend were talking, about a lot of things, but one thing came up that got me thinking, a lot, for a lot of reasons. The main thought I had though was about life. The idea that life doesn't really have a meaning seems realistic a lot of the time, but then again, no one knows if there really is a meaning or not. Why are we all here, because if you think about it all we've done is exist, become modern, and used the earth to become modern, so we're basically sealing our own fate. But I think what we're looking for lies beyond that. Yes, maybe some people were put on the planet to further society, but what about others? Some were meant to help people or some were meant to "lead by example". Either way it's difficult to really know what you were meant to do. You think about all the people that died too early, maybe it was for a reason, maybe we are supposed to learn from that. It could be some sort of evolution or creative design, but regardless many of us will never live to see our purpose, because either it's not that apparent or we die, not ever finding it out. And that may be because our death was meant to serve our purpose. All of those people dying of cancer, died to help further us closer to a cure. All of those people that died in wars, died because they were showing that war really solves very little other than what side you are on. Life is one big lesson, I believe, each person learning their part in society, learning from one another. But until you find that purpose you may feel lost, and like life isn't worth it. I don't think that's a reason to feel upset, it's difficult not knowing what you're supposed to do, but that's why you roll with the wave. Eventually it may become apparent that you were meant to do something big.

December 14, 2010

It's finals week, so everything is starting to slow quite a bit, which is nice cause this last semester was a bitch. Since there is more downtime though I tend to think about things a lot more. I've come up with the possibility of a good story, played a lot of halo, thought of several ideas for drawings, just a lot of stuff. But there is one thing that keeps popping into my head.

Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I'm not really noticed. And even though it sounds odd I really noticed it when listening to Ghost! by Kid Cudi. He sings about how everyone is around yet somehow he goes unnoticed. It's a lot like that, not that I don't talk to people, or that they don't talk to me, but mainly it's like they only really talk to me when they need me for something. That doesn't go for a lot of people, but there's also a majority that seem to go by that standard. It's really odd when one moment you can talk to someone and realize you have a lot in common, then all of a sudden you just stop speaking. For a little while anyways, because at some point they need something again. But, when you ask them to do something, like hang out or anything outside of the usual relationship then things get awkward. This has happened a few times, and in some cases I just gave up, there's really no point in looking for acceptance where it's not given. But it still seems to bother me once in awhile. I start thinking about things I could have done differently or things I just shouldn't have done, period. And then sometimes it's people outside of the situation that make it awkward as well. Either by inserting themselves or hinting at certain things. And yea, sometimes that's the push that the situation needs, but in most cases it really hasn't helped.

At the core of the problem I guess I just really would like to get to a point where I'm not thought of only as the guy that's there to help but the guy that's easy to talk to and hang out with. Cause quite honestly being used is not fun, and that's what it's beginning to feel like. I try to think of ways to solve the problem, but in the end I always end up thinking, or knowing, that it would not work, so I leave it be. Maybe that's all I'm going to be until I find some that will allow me to be something more.