December 26, 2010

I didn't get everything I wanted for Christmas. I got some things that I can use, which is great, and I'm really thankful. But, most of all I wanted one friend to have a better Christmas than she got. I know it was tough for her, much tougher than it was for me, but it still made me hurt a little, because I know she doesn't deserve it. It's not about what she didn't get, it's about what she lost, and if there was anything I could do to fix it I would. Somehow I hope to help, in one way or another, but it's difficult because I'm at a loss for words and actions. Hopefully things lighten up a bit soon, but having those problems during the holidays is not good, nowhere close. So hopefully she reads this, because then she'll know what I've had a hard time telling her. She already knows I'm there for her, but I'd like her to know that I want to help her more than I can.

December 21, 2010

So last night me and a friend were talking, about a lot of things, but one thing came up that got me thinking, a lot, for a lot of reasons. The main thought I had though was about life. The idea that life doesn't really have a meaning seems realistic a lot of the time, but then again, no one knows if there really is a meaning or not. Why are we all here, because if you think about it all we've done is exist, become modern, and used the earth to become modern, so we're basically sealing our own fate. But I think what we're looking for lies beyond that. Yes, maybe some people were put on the planet to further society, but what about others? Some were meant to help people or some were meant to "lead by example". Either way it's difficult to really know what you were meant to do. You think about all the people that died too early, maybe it was for a reason, maybe we are supposed to learn from that. It could be some sort of evolution or creative design, but regardless many of us will never live to see our purpose, because either it's not that apparent or we die, not ever finding it out. And that may be because our death was meant to serve our purpose. All of those people dying of cancer, died to help further us closer to a cure. All of those people that died in wars, died because they were showing that war really solves very little other than what side you are on. Life is one big lesson, I believe, each person learning their part in society, learning from one another. But until you find that purpose you may feel lost, and like life isn't worth it. I don't think that's a reason to feel upset, it's difficult not knowing what you're supposed to do, but that's why you roll with the wave. Eventually it may become apparent that you were meant to do something big.

December 14, 2010

It's finals week, so everything is starting to slow quite a bit, which is nice cause this last semester was a bitch. Since there is more downtime though I tend to think about things a lot more. I've come up with the possibility of a good story, played a lot of halo, thought of several ideas for drawings, just a lot of stuff. But there is one thing that keeps popping into my head.

Every once in awhile I get this feeling that I'm not really noticed. And even though it sounds odd I really noticed it when listening to Ghost! by Kid Cudi. He sings about how everyone is around yet somehow he goes unnoticed. It's a lot like that, not that I don't talk to people, or that they don't talk to me, but mainly it's like they only really talk to me when they need me for something. That doesn't go for a lot of people, but there's also a majority that seem to go by that standard. It's really odd when one moment you can talk to someone and realize you have a lot in common, then all of a sudden you just stop speaking. For a little while anyways, because at some point they need something again. But, when you ask them to do something, like hang out or anything outside of the usual relationship then things get awkward. This has happened a few times, and in some cases I just gave up, there's really no point in looking for acceptance where it's not given. But it still seems to bother me once in awhile. I start thinking about things I could have done differently or things I just shouldn't have done, period. And then sometimes it's people outside of the situation that make it awkward as well. Either by inserting themselves or hinting at certain things. And yea, sometimes that's the push that the situation needs, but in most cases it really hasn't helped.

At the core of the problem I guess I just really would like to get to a point where I'm not thought of only as the guy that's there to help but the guy that's easy to talk to and hang out with. Cause quite honestly being used is not fun, and that's what it's beginning to feel like. I try to think of ways to solve the problem, but in the end I always end up thinking, or knowing, that it would not work, so I leave it be. Maybe that's all I'm going to be until I find some that will allow me to be something more.

November 24, 2010

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, got some good feedback so figured I'd share. Depending on what I hear I may post more.



I'm just that nice guy
You know, that friend guy
That one you'll talk with
But never get with

You'll tell me everything
Even that one thing
Let me buy you a drink
You don't have to think

You still hesitate
You don't cooperate
What's the problem baby
Was I too forward?

So many signals
I'm crossing the lines
I don't know what you want
More than half the time

But still I stay here
You need someone to tell
Some to listen
I'm under your spell

Cause I'm that nice guy
You know, that friend guy.

November 11, 2010

Kid Cudi's sophomore album Man On The Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager, for lack of a better description, is dope as hell. He's definitely stepped his game up since his first album. He stepped away from the storytelling, which has it's pluses and minuses but overall it was a good move. The album does lack cohesiveness but I believe that's what gives it such a lasting effect. I've listened to this album about six times since last night, and it just keeps getting better. He's still the same old Cudi singing about smoking weed, drinking, and having so many problems in his life, but it works. Just like Man On The Moon I can related to a lot of the songs on the album which is 17 this time around. Each song has a different feel, but they all have that signature basic beat to them with a little extra added in here and there.
Overall I would have to say the album is amazing, each song bringing a new style, each being almost as good as the last. So far I would have to say Mr. Rager and Ghost! are my favorite songs on the album, but that could change as I continue to listen. In my opinion the hype leading up to this album was warranted, and the wait was well worth it. I definitely give it an A.

September 28, 2010

For the last few weeks I've been pretty down. No money, a lot of work, and several other things that just don't seem to go my way, including some family issues I still haven't worked out. All in all my life feels like hell. I got real, real down one night, felt like I was a worthless nobody, then I wrote down everything I was thinking about and after about two hours I felt ten times better. Everything was good for a few days, then the pain of having no money hit again, and I got a call from my Mother telling me a family friend had died, not really anything I can do about it, but it still sucks. But then tonight happened.

First I went to this show "Elephant" put on by one of the professors/alums here at the U of I. It was actually pretty freakin' cool, a lot to enjoy, it was an art piece in the form of acting, dancing, storytelling, and a theatrical experience as well. After that I headed to the studio to start working on my project, which sucked. Then I started talking to one of my good friends who's been having a rough go at it as well. So I did what I always do and listened to her. That's probably what I'm best at anyway. Then it dawned on me, if I have no other purpose in life but to be a friend for someone who needs it, then I'm fine with that. I mean yea, Landscape Architecture is my passion, and I will continue learning it and eventually become a Landscape Architect, but I will always be a friend to someone in need. Now, I'm not saying once that need is gone I'm gone, I just want to be there for someone like so many have done for me. This girl I've been talking to lately, yea, we've only known each other for about a year, but I would do just about anything for her, mainly because it seems that would just help her a ton, but because I'm in the same situation in a lot of ways, her problems are different, but they tend to mirror mine. Some things she's going through are a lot different than anything I've ever experienced so I'm just trying to be understanding and offer what little advice I can. Basically everything I can gather from that and many other conversations I've had with others can be put into one thought. Maybe I'm here to be the person to talk to, maybe I should take that time away to just help others. I could be wrong, but for now, if that's what's keeping me sane then I'll continue to help others stay sane as well.

September 6, 2010

You know, I really don't understand it. After everything I talked about in my last post for some reason I still see myself as a nobody, like I haven't accomplished anything and there's no reason for anyone to be proud of me. I was feeling good about today, thing were looking up. Then when I get home tonight my brother starts talking to me on Facebook and all of sudden things just took a nose dive. He started freaking out on me, saying I've been acting like a dickhead and an asshole. Then signed off with the final thing said "Youre a fucking dickhead". How's that supposed to make me feel. It's all relatively unwarranted, especially that fact that he and my mother both felt the same way. Yea, I'm talking to a girl, big deal, it doesn't make me change my mood towards them. Yet for some reason that's what they associate it with. So that's just one more thing to add to the pile. He defriended on Facebook, for some reason that feels like the ultimate dis. I guess because everyone we're friends with can see that, I'm not sure, it just got to me, I broke down. Everything that had been wearing away at me hit me all at once and there was nothing I could do. Maybe I have a pretty privileged life, but for some reason I still feel like an unfit person, and it's all backed up by the way they've been treating me. I feel like such a baby even complaining about it. But over the last four years I've seen how much more favored than me he is for some reason.

So basically it's going to go a little something like this. I'm going to let it ride, if he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, so be it. I don't mind being "that guy" at this point, seems like I have been all along. People can take me as I am, I don't really care anymore. I'm going to take my grandfathers advice and concentrate on me, I don't need to worry about other people's problems.

September 5, 2010

It's been a really long time since I've been on here. Summer is a difficult time to get on the computer because I always want to be outside. School started two weeks ago but I've been busy with that so I just haven't been on. My summer in summary was pretty alright, I worked a lot at Luthy Botanical Garden which made it my fifth summer there, so overall it was pretty much the same. Other than that I occasionally hung out with friends. Lately is a little more interesting though.

Once again I don't have financial aid finished and it's two weeks into school. Why isn't it finished? Because for some reason, even though I'm now a Junior in college my Mom decided that she would take her time once again, then makes the excuse that the amount went up. It's been pretty difficult for me lately as far as dealing with my mother goes. For some reason she seems more hesitant to help me out than she does my younger brother Jake. He seems to get all the breaks and it drives me nuts, but there's not much I can do about it other than complain. So when I consistently bug her about getting financial aid taken care of I get smart remarks all the time. Or when I confronted my brother about the night I let him borrow my car and he didn't do anything he told me he was going to do with it. Instead of teaching him a lesson she instead yelled at me for "putting everyone in the middle of it". I don't understand her, the only thing I can think is that he's had her so jaded because of the fact that her baby is now going away to college. Big deal if you ask me, he needs to grow up, she's babied him so much he's afraid to go away to college. Yet I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to come up with the money for rent and school, it's stressful, and makes me feel sick, but that's put on the wayside. I wish I was able to do all of this on my own, but I'm nowhere near financially stable enough.

As far as everything else goes I've been busy as hell with school, that's about all I've got for that. I've been talking to this girl for quite some time now. I don't know where it'll go, all I know is I'm beginning to like her and I'm afraid she doesn't reciprocate the feeling which would suck, but I'd much rather be friends than that awkward acquaintance anyway. So I don't really know what to do with that whole situation.

Overall my life has been pretty shitty, and it's got me down in the dumps, but like every other time I'll just let things roll and eventually come out on the other side of the tunnel.

July 29, 2010

So for the last week I have been in St. Pete Beach, Florida for our "annual" vacation in which we come down to see great friends that we honestly consider family. It's been a pretty good week, a few hiccups but nothing horrible. Every time we come down I get the same feeling again, which my brother happened to mention in a not on Facebook, but I feel I should reiterate it on here.

When we come down here it's not for the place, in fact we could be just about anywhere and have a good time, but it's a good locale regardless, I really enjoy being on the beach. If we did switch places it would be odd, but it's definitely adjustable. The main reason we come down here though is to see family. I love all of them dearly, and yes some can make their mistakes but I only see most of them once a year, so it's easy to get over. I don't know what I would do without knowing these great people. They've all helped to shape me in some way. Sadly these last few years we've been forced to think about a couple of the regulars not being able to come down anymore for health reasons, so far we've been lucky, but it's getting to the point where they are getting too old to travel long distances. When that day comes that they cannot come down anymore I will forever remember it, and it will hold a sad place in my heart. This vacation would never be the same. But, my brother, a good friend of ours and myself have decided that once it comes down to this sad fact we will continue to visit regardless if anyone else does because it's a tradition, and we all feel that the two that may have to stop coming would want it that way. So basically we've created the next generation of beach-goers. I really don't like thinking about what it will be like without them, but everyone reaches that point in time eventually and you just have to deal with it.

All in all carrying on tradition is what we most care about, but above all else we love these people dearly and this is one way for us to carry on what they started. I cannot stress how much they mean to me because if I could I would sell the world for them, give them anything they needed, and they would do the same for me.

July 9, 2010

So things really haven't gotten any better lately. There's still the Dad problem, but it hasn't changed, so things aren't worse. I just wish I could stop thinking about it for a few hours, but it seems as though these kinds of things stick in your brain for awhile. And a lot of the time they pop up in your mind at the most inappropriate times. Lately it seems the only therapy is music and venting. And the past few days I've been listening to a lot of music and venting to many people, a lot. The two albums I've been listening to are Man On The Moon by Kid Cudi and American Slang by The Gaslight Anthem. I'm not even sure why I'm writing right now to be honest, I'm tired, and I have nothing to write about really. It's also therapeutic I guess, but I'm not real sure, because when there's nothing there to write it's almost aggravating. It doesn't help when you've got 50 million thoughts rolling around in your head all at once. Regardless I think that's the end of this post, I think I'm going to sleep on it.

July 8, 2010

So lately hasn't been too bad, until the night of July 7th that is. First I'll start with the good stuff. Really there isn't much other than Kayla selling me her car, so I'll finally have something to drive to work, and she's being cool about it, all that fun stuff. I really appreciate the gesture. Other than that it's just been hangin' out really. There were the two nights of fireworks which were pretty good. A couple hiccups but nothing near as bad as last nights.
Here's the bad that happened. So it's about 6:30 p.m., my Mom comes into the Gift Shop at work like usual to wait til 7 and take me home. Well this time she tells me whats going on with my Father and his whole working situation. Now the story is he has been unemployed since last Thanksgiving, and it seems as though he hasn't been to vigilant on looking for a job. So of course I'm kinda ticked about that, but whatever, I know it's tough right now. But to top it all off my Mom let's me know that she had e-mailed this guy that my Dad was supposed to be talking to to get his old job back. Well, earlier when my Dad found out the job was available he said he "had put a line in with Brent" which doesn't mean he secured the job, he only called him and left a message. Well, according to Brent and my Mom's e-mail Brent had called him back but had prior engagements to take care of so my Dad was supposed to call him back and set everything up soon after that call. My Dad never called back. What he had told us was that he never heard from Brent after the message. Now, not only does he not have a job, but he smokes at least a pack a day and drinks all of the time. So when we found out he didn't call back we were pretty pissed, and my Mom almost in tears, at my place of work, which is odd because she hardly ever cries in public. Anyway, basically this makes me feel as though he really doesn't care. Apparently my Mom had sent my Dad and email, with the message from Brent forwarded, because she was at work at the time. His reply was to tell her he loves her and he knows times are tough. That's a sad attempt at patching things up because he knows he fucked up, again. Regardless, the laziness and all around irresponsibility has finally taken a head. It pisses me off to no end, and I want to say something, but I don't know how or when, but something will get said. This is yet another addition to my already hectic and crappy life. Hopefully my next update on this whole situation gets better, but who knows, I guess we'll all find out here pretty soon...

July 3, 2010

Dear god the amount of stuff that's happened since my last post is too much to cover, I really should do this more often, but I usually find myself preoccupied with a lot of other things. I think I'll just cover everything from last weekend on. So last Friday kicks everything off. I worked from 10:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., normal day there. After that me and my good friend Burl headed to Relay for Life, a type of event where you raise money for cancer all the while walking laps. We were there from like 6 til 3 a.m. We would have been there, awake, all night, but a storm was rolling in so we headed to our friends place and stayed up all night there. I'm going to shorten this part for the sake of leaving out details mainly, but we did a little streaking, I got injured in that part. Then we played some Truth or Dare until about 6:30 a.m. We left there, I got home, changed for work and headed to work. It was an event weekend so I worked a 12 hour day. During that period I would find myself dozing sometimes and working my ass off others. I met a few artists, and one person that caught my eye. Throughout the rest of that day I did what needed to be done and chatted with her once in awhile. Then Sunday I basically did the same thing. Small talk with the musicians that day seeing as that was my job to help them back and forth. I also talked to the girl a bit more. Towards the end of the day I was getting worried that the small talk was getting anywhere so I gave her my number. She's beautiful, but also underage, so it's going nowhere but friendship for now. From that day the rest of the week was pretty uneventful other than my birthday on Wednesday, turned 20. We had a bonfire and a couple beers. Then the next day I finally got a text from here, this is when I found out about the whole underage deal, but like I said, I'll keep talking to her, nothing illegal about that. Ever since that bonfire though I've really been digging Kid Cudi, listening to his album over and over, for some reason I can't get enough. As far as what in store later on, well, fireworks tomorrow and Sunday, hangin' out, and in the near future meeting up with some people at the fair and hangin' out some more. It's beginning to become a good summer.

June 21, 2010

So throughout the last week my life has been quite the mini-hell. Not really anything bad. But from all that's happened I've kind of realized a certain thing. No matter how cool you think you are with someone they can still turn right around and fuck you over. This kind of thing really gets to me. It's basically a trust issue I guess, but it just really bothers me, especially when it's people close to you.

Another thing that's been picking my brain lately is wondering if I'm annoying people that I'm talking to on a somewhat regular basis. For instance, one girl I've been texting. Every time I text her I wonder if I'm annoying the shit out of her and it just really makes me wonder. I know in some cases I am annoying people so I think best option is to really try to avoid that.

In other news my birthday is in nine days so I'm looking forward to that, kind of.

June 6, 2010

So today was probably the worst weather I've ever experienced in Central Illinois. I think the final count ended up being over 15 confirmed tornadoes. Regardless it was pretty freaky. Mainly because there was a tornado headed for the city, which rarely happens, and it could have been absolutely devastating. Eventually it died out before it got here, but still freaky. I think it all culminated when we saw a funnel cloud to the north, it was huge and too close for comfort, but we stayed outside and watched it, it was awesome to see the power of nature first hand. Anyway, it all turned out fine for my family, although several families lost their homes in Elmwood. Hopefully there were no deaths, but we'll find out more tomorrow.

May 27, 2010

You know, quite often I wonder how things would have turned out if I did not do something about it or did not change it at the time it happened. A lot of the time I say I would never change a thing. Well, tonight it became quite apparent that there are some things I would change, many right now that I do not feel ready to tell everyone. But I don't have to say what they are to tell you how much they have affected my life, then and now. For years I lived with several problems, not health or family issues per say, but more like environmental concerns. They could have been dealt with, but because of external factors, many of which were completely out of my control, these problems never got dealt with and became worse and worse. Then finally it got to a point where family pointed this stuff out to me and my immediate family. They came to me first about it, which says a lot since they trusted me enough to confront me on how to deal with the situation. Well, since then things started looking up, until about six months ago that is. Everything was going real great, then all of a sudden it was like all that progress came to a halt, much like earlier problems not being dealt with. So that progress sat and sat and became a normal situation. Well, it's been almost a year since first confronted with the problem, and there are still many things to be fixed, yet they sit there, unchanged, and in some cases getting worse. Well, tonight they came to the forefront again, it started as just a night of hanging out and all that good stuff, then switched to the subject of the many problems lately. Eventually it got to how to fix those problems, again. Now normally these things get pretty heavy, and certainly the first time they were brought up they were. Now it is not so bad. This time around I know what to expect and what to avoid. We finally came to the conclusion that this is going to take a lot more planning than the first go around, and if all goes as planned to start the main plan, then it should go quickly and with minimal pain. You never know, so many factors go into these kinds of things, regardless, what needs to get done will get done, whether I get help from certain people or not.
No matter how much this sounds very bad in regard to self harm or whatever else, that is not what this is about. It is about the fact that some people refuse to change, and it takes time to find a way to get them to better themselves. At this point this is going to require some help from outside, if you can call them that, sources. Hopefully these people are willing to help, which I'm sure they are, but then again, you never know.
This all really makes me feel, well, overwhelmed. I'm not worried, there is just a lot of "work" ahead. I have some planning I need to do along with some amount of thought as to how I am going to go about some things. More than anything right now though I am kind of angry. Several things have not been working out in my favor lately and it makes things quite difficult, but I'll manage as always. As far as what those problems had done to me years ago, well, let's just say I had many, many underlying issues that many people did not know about, including my Grandparents who I am very close with. This calls for opening up many doors in my emotional wall in order for people to see what is really going on inside my head, because for too long I have kept my mouth shut. It is time for people to really see what is going on, and what problems they are really causing.

May 17, 2010 Short Story

So the ensuing story is one that came to mind along with a few others. It centers around mirrors and the odd effects it can have on human perception. The story you are about to read is pretty graphic in some parts with harsh language and some violence, so if you're not into that kind of thing I would advise you not to read on. And lastly and comments and criticisms you have would be greatly appreciated seeing as I'm still looking to improve upon this story.

"Mirrors"
'The Janitor That Cleaned House'

Great, another day just like all the rest. These stupid fuckers. You’d think since they’re in college they’d be smart enough to realize I hate cleaning up after them. Then again none of them ever take the time to speak to me. What would they care anyway? They’re paying me to do this right? Fuck them. Fuck their rich parents. Fuck everyone. One day I’m just going to walk in here with a fucking gun and take them all out, and then they’ll see how I really feel about cleaning their puke off of the toilets. Wait. What am I saying? That would be ridiculous, I just need to get this done so I can go home to my wife and kids, enjoy the evening.
That’s Jim. He’s a janitor in a dorm at one of the major universities in the area. Every day he comes into work thinking that will be the day they wise up. Ever since he started working there it seemed like things just kept getting worse. The kids always left him some kind of mess. One day it’s only paper, the next there is puke all over one stall, hair on the floor, and someone somehow got shit all over the side of a toilet. It’s basically hell.
You see, Jim works his ass off. If someone complains about the bathrooms being dirty it’s his ass. He can’t afford that because he can barely afford to feed his family. His wife is unable to work because she has to take care of their three year old daughter. Jim can’t get a good job because of his record either. He spent five years in jail for aggravated assault; he beat the shit out of the paper boy because he threw the paper in the plants again. Jim’s got a short fuse when it comes to things happening repeatedly. This kind of makes you wonder why the university would hire him with this kind of background. Well, for the university it’s no big deal, just another person they can hire and pay a low wage for higher profits. Jim’s train of thought is torn off-track as he begins his duties inside the Men’s restroom.
Jim walks around the bathroom to survey the damage, thankfully nothing is broken. Someone just wrote all over the mirrors, missed the pisser a little bit, and there’s the usual puke covered toilet. If Jim had any sense of smell left he would be able to tell that this bathroom was dirty from the outside, but years of doing this has left him desensitized to just about every rotten smell you can imagine. Eventually Jim sees everything that needs to be done and grabs the cart from the hallway. He does the usual, start from worst to easiest. This means cleaning out that stall. I wish I could find the fucker that did this, I’d give him a good reason to spill his fuckin’ guts everywhere, prick. And like that Jim is back to the threats, he’s done it every day for the past couple years. Seems like the only way he can cope with his ‘shitty’ life is by consuming alcohol and the occasional joint. Eventually everything gets cleaned but the mirrors, he left that for last thinking it should be the easiest part of the day. So he grabs the glass cleaner and a couple paper towels and gets to work. First wipe down brings no luck, the writing is still there. Son of a bitch, these motherfuckers used permanent marker. I swear to God all of these people automatically become fucking retarded when they get here, I ought to shoot ‘em all and save the rest of the world the misery… Jim heads back to grab the extra strength cleaner hoping that it will take it off. Once he gets back he begins the process all over again. After several minutes of scrubbing something odd happens. Jim feels different, the air smells different. What the fuck just happened? Why did it get so quiet all of a sudden? Jim looks around but it seems as though nothing has changed, that he can see anyway. Then the look on his face changes as he becomes even more perplexed. What am I holding? Jim shifts his focus to what is in his hands. The feeling of cool metal rather than a wet paper towel was among his fingers now, and he had no idea how it got there. He looks at the mirrors he was just cleaning, they’re still marked up, except for where he had just been scrubbing... or is scrubbing right now. What.The.Fuck… He walks up to the mirrors for a closer look. On the other side he sees himself, but instead his reflection is moving on its own, it’s cleaning the mirrors. As he watches the graffiti on the mirrors disappears with each rhythmic movement of his counterpart’s hand. That still doesn’t explain what’s in his hands, and then he remembers to check again. Holy Shit!! How the fuck did I get this? Jim is talking about a gun, a fully automatic gun which he would never be able to purchase thanks to his damn parole sentence.
At this point Jim gets a sliver of thought into his mind. Hmm… well, I have been talking about taking all of those damn punks out, this could be my chance. Jim makes the decision to come up with a quick plan, but he’s gotta hurry before “some damn faggot” walks into the bathroom. Jim has not been known to make the most intelligent decisions so he decides best option is to just walk down the hallway shooting anyone he finds. Then again, to think about doing any of this is absolutely crazy. Suddenly a guy walks into the bathroom. He startles Jim, gets about halfway into the bathroom before he notices Jim’s new accessory. The look on his face goes from empty to absolutely horrified. As he turns to run Jim fires of three shots, the first two missing the next into the kids back. Fucker, got the little bastard. I better hurry now, I’m sure everyone heard that. Jim’s one moment of genius. Sadly enough, no matter what anyone heard that day it didn’t quite do much for someone with so much access to the rest of the building. Jim went floor to floor shooting anyone in sight and even getting a few more that he didn’t even know about. He knows every nook and cranny in the place, no one could hide from his vengeance. Being a janitor he did not have access to the students rooms, so instead of trying ever door he would just fire a few rounds into each one in the hopes of getting another one. Jim makes his way down to each and every floor trying to cause as much mayhem as possible. Eventually he gets down to the ground floor where he decides in order to have any chance he’s going to have to take someone hostage, and he does so in the lobby. This was definitely not one of Jim’s best decisions. He decided his best place to hold someone hostage was in the lobby where there are floor to ceiling windows all around, including the offices. He’s basically out of luck and he doesn’t even realize it yet. As Jim grabs a girl and holds the gun to her throat he surveys his surroundings. He see’s so many flashing lights and men in black that he begins to get somewhat frantic, waving the gun around in the air and behaving more recklessly with each second. After about a half hour of what you would normally call negotiations (they we’re more like uneducated demands from Jim) the police got a bit nervous. Jim is back on the phone with the chief of police. I told you I want to see my family, just bring them over here man; I want to see my damn family!! Right as he begins slamming the phone down everything goes white. Jim was shot from outside by the best sniper in the area. They called him in once everything started getting escalated.
Jim wakes up again, everything seems quite hazy, but normal, oddly normal. Things are going to change quite quickly for Jim though. Ugghh…. Where the fuck am I? What is going on now? Who…who the hell is that? Why are they crying? Turns out the people Jim was looking at were actually the families of all of the students he killed in the dorm. He soon figured that out himself as he looked upon the memorial photo and realized it was the kid from the bathroom. Oh shit, why the fuck am I here right now? Can they see me? Obviously they couldn’t, for one, he’s dead, and you would think he would remember that. And yet it still hasn’t struck him exactly what is going on. This must be the funeral for the kid, but why am I even here? Then everything goes white once again. Now what…. I gotta get back to work dammit… Now he sees the family again, but this time it seems a few years later, they don’t seem so upset now, but they certainly don’t seem normal, to him anyway. Jim experiences a lot of what they go through on a daily basis in just a few moments, but begins to realize the extent of his actions. Then he realizes how much trauma he actually caused, not only for the families of the deceased, but also for the ones that were emotionally, physically, or mentally scarred from the whole ordeal. And for one fleeting moment he actually feels remorse. My god, what have I done, I didn’t want this to happen… I didn’t want this!!!! This of course was only a fleeting moment, because almost immediately Jim felt what it was to be absolutely panicked. He had no idea what was happening anymore. All he knew is that it was a horrible mistake to think something like that, let alone go through with it. But wait, this is all a dream, or like one, he went through the mirror. I need to get back to that mirror, now, because I need to see my family, and let them know how much I love them. Eventually Jim does get back to that mirror, but when he looks into he isn’t there anymore, and he’s not sure what to think. What the hell, where did I go? Fuck, it doesn’t matter anymore, I just need through. Jim presses his hand to the glass, and once again, everything goes white…
…All of a sudden Jim wakes up and rises quickly. FUCK!! What the hell!? He slammed his head on the bed above. What the hell, where am I? As Jim looks around he almost immediately remembers. Most of what he thought was a dream turns out to be reality. He never actually went through that mirror that day. He walked in like any other day and began work, but that day he had decided was “The Day”. The sniper never delivered a fatal shot yet Jim finds himself wishing he aimed one inch to the right. The shot stunned him and he was immediately arrested. It took weeks for Jim to finally reach court. Once that day came Jim learned he was sentenced to life in prison with no parole. This is the third time he’s woken up from that dream, and each time he wakes up wondering where he is. He’s been in prison for three years now. The dream comes back on the anniversary of the day that he decided to become the “Janitor that cleaned house”. Every anniversary Jim wishes he really could have gone through that mirror so he could have made the right decision.

May 10, 2010

So the last week has been pretty damn good, went to a party Saturday night, went to a friends apartment and drank last night. We tried for the Century Club (100 shots of beer in 100 minutes, 1 shot a minute). We got to about 50 and stopped, it's harder than it sounds. Anyway, we had a good time, then I came back and gave my lovely friend Kayla a call. We talked for about an hour about a lot of things. But only having one final and it being the second to last day leaves a lot of free time, which is nice cause I didn't have much of that this school year. With it being Mother's Day yesterday I let everyone know that I needed to that they were in my mind and my heart. This is where it get's a bit sad.

My brother, who is two years younger, text me to have me text my Mom "Happy Mothers Day" because he "already ruined it". So naturally I got a bit worried, I had already wished her a happy one so I let him know that and asked what the problem was. He responded for me to ask her because he didn't want to talk about it. Turns out it wasn't incredibly bad, he lost a piece to his tuxedo from prom the night before. This information is coming directly from her now. She then goes on to tell me that he isn't doing so well in some classes. I wasn't real happy with that seeing as he is a smart kid, he just doesn't try. What really got to me is what she said right after that though. She told me she was basically a failure as a mother. Now, if you know anything about me, when my own Mother says something like that to me it made me feel absolutely terrible. I responded by telling her that was not true and never would be, she was the greatest Mom I could ask for and more. People make mistakes. When your own Mother basically breaks down and tells you that it should hurt. And my god did it ever. I really didn't know what to say, so I told her what I thought she would want to hear, and in this case it was all true. I love the woman to death, and if anyone ever tried to tell her what she told me she thought about herself I would kill them. She means the world to me. She made me who I am, and same for my brother. Because of her I know how to be a gentleman to other people, especially women. And she's done as much as she possibly can. So needless to say she will be getting a phone call tomorrow when she get's off so she can learn just how much I actually care about her, I should have done it yesterday, but as long as she hears it I don't really care when it happens.

So from all of this I have one piece of advice. If your Mom has been there for you more than once, tell her how much you love her and what she really means to you, because no matter how many times you say it, she's still going to wonder if she really did do a good job raising you. I can say in my case that she did one hell of a job, and I would not change anything for my life. I love my Mom, and I always will.

May 7, 2010

You know, for someone who's supposed to be pretty sure of himself, I don't really know what I want to think right now. I mean, I know where I want to be, but I don't know when or how I want to get there. I'm one of those people that thinks a lot about certain situations, and lately it's like I haven't been thinking at all. For instance, at the beginning of the year I said that I wouldn't get into anything relationship wise with anyone in the studio. And yet now I find myself thinking about it, and I tell myself every time to stop, but its too difficult to not think about it. Regardless I've put myself in a situation where all of my thoughts are jumbled up. But at the moment when we talk it's like none of that really matters, I'd just rather speak with her than not say anything at all. Ultimately what I guess I am looking for is just friendship, that's better than nothing, but sometimes it's better than everything. I don't think I've ever been in a state of mind in which I had no idea which direction I was going to go next. To be honest it's quite freeing really. I figured I would just let things go, and so far it's been working to my advantage, and so that's why I'll just keep doing it. And lately I've been realizing just how lucky I am. A lot of this will be lost on you I know, because you haven't experienced this exact experience that I am getting from Landscape Architecture right now. Not only has this major given me some really good friends, but the department has treated me and my fellow students quite well. I enjoy the classes, that allow me to explore new options. But on top of that I love a lot of the professors, not like that, but more in the sense that they know so much yet they are so grounded. Hell, I basically had a drink with at least two of them, and they were cool about it. I also had all of those problems with financial aid and registration early in the semester and I ended up being able to still go to class while working out the problems. Any other department in the university probably would not have allowed that. So I really feel like I owe them something, but I doubt that favor will ever get repaid while they are still here. Then there is the fact that I won that scholarship thanks to my studio mates. They nominated me for the award, two people came up with the letter and had a large portion of the class sign it. I owe these people whatever $500 is worth and they could care less, so I thank them at every not so annoying opportunity and continue to do what it was that got me the award. Just to clarify the parameters were: 1. be in the classes we were currently in 2. be helpful 3. have good graphic quality. I'm not necessarily saying I'm that qualified, but they did, so I'm grateful. But hey, thanks for reading up on another rant, I really don't know what you think about all this, so comments would be great. Thanks guys.

April 28, 2010

So for the last couple hours I've been thinking about myself, sounds selfish but it really isn't. I was just kind of looking at what kind of guy I am when it comes to women. Talking to them, dating them, anything, how do I act in different situations? Well, in a lot of cases I probably romanticize myself as some kind of suave guy, truth is I'm not, in fact I'm the furthest from it, just ask a couple girls and they'll tell you. I've done a lot of stupid shit, yet they still talk to me, so I guess that means I'm likeable? Who knows. Anyway, while I was looking into this I realized that I basically worship the female body, not in the sick perverted way, I just find it fascinating. Certain body types of course, everyone has their preferences, but when I see a girl who's got a body close to what I'm looking for I just can't stop looking at her, and it's gotten me into some bad situations, but not very often. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I may look at the body and drool a bit, but that's not what I'm about. I can really appreciate a girl for her intelligence, humor, wit, and anything in between. My one real turn on is the type of music a girl listens to, if she is into the semi obscure bands I am into then it's hard to not be attracted, once again depending on the girl. And for some reason I'm more attracted to the extremes, either infectious personality or the shy girl. Mainly the first, but things change once in awhile. Now I don't even really know where I am going with this. I guess basically what I'm getting at is that I kind of just want to find that girl that I can hang out with, I don't want to date right now, that's too much baggage, and I'm too busy to carry it all. Some people can manage this well, but of the ones I've seen so far they've been together for awhile and it's a little easier that way. I'm down to 'hang with the bros' once in awhile, but I can't do that all the time, too much testosterone at some points, it almost becomes a competition.
These last few days have been pretty great though, school is starting to wind down and I'm just overall trying to enjoy my final bits of sophomore year. I'll be running for a position in the student organization for Landscape Architecture for next year, hopefully, still waiting to find out. Other than that I have a banquet coming up in which I accept a $500 scholarship that my classmates nominated me for, which I am still in awe about. Other than that things have been running pretty smoothly, I'll try to update this more often in the near future, but for now I am out.

April 16, 2010

Alright, first bit. I just got done talking to one of my friends whom I met freshman year of college. Great guy, knows alot, and he's in the Marines. Well, later in that year he got deployed to Afghanistan. So, being able to talk to him was relieving. You kind of get in to a rythym of watching the news and just kind of shrugging, but then you realize one of your friends is over there and it's nerve wracking. So needless to say it's great to hear from the guy, he should be back around late May.

Now on to last weekend. We left on our Landscape Architecture field trip to Memphis last Thursday. Let me just start off by saying it was awesome, except for a couple bits. Once we got in we all got settled, did our own things, some of us grabbed dinner, others just walked around downtown. Our hotel was in the perfect location to see almost everything downtown. Eventually me and some others headed to Beale Street, the Bourbon Street of Memphis. We meet some others at this bar and watch this guy play music. It was a good time, then we noticed that some of our friends had some beer so we ordered some, didn't get carded, greatest feeling ever. Anyway, after awhile it was time for karaoke to start in the bar, and at that point I was feeling pretty good. I'm normally a shy guy, but I was down to sing that night for some reason. I sang two songs, did horribly on both but it doesn't matter, we were just having a good time. The "party" kept moving in and out of the bar seeing as you could go on the street with your beer no problem, so we'd go out, and that's when I had my first cigarette, sad I know, but then I had two more later. Eventually I was pretty toasted and ended up dancing around our professor on stage, which was ridiculous because I looked like an idiot, but being drunk I didn't give two shits. Now that I see the video and pictures of it it's kind of funny and only slightly embarrassing. Throughout the course of the night we danced on the street, with homeless people and others in our group interchangeably. I danced with an double amputee in the street at one point. Then we headed back to the hotel, I tried to sleep, couldn't ended up doing a double shot of whiskey and chasing it with chips, other mishaps happened, then I went to bed. More like passed out on the floor.

The next day was pretty good, went to a Landscape Architecture firm, checked out one of their projects, played hacky sack with some friends, then went back to the hotel. Later I took some photos of the sunset while drawing. Here's a panorama:


So later that night everyone was getting ready to go out again. I hadn't started pregaming and figured I better do it soon cause it seemed everyone was almost ready. So I started by taking a drink straight from a bottle of Jack, no chaser, I was fine. Then I did about six double shots of vodka in around 20 to 30 minutes. Also no chaser. Then one more shot of whiskey. This, as you can already imagine, was a really, really bad idea. We headed out, I was already starting to feel it, couldn't walk straight at all. We finally get to Coyote Ugly and I'm flat out drunk at that point, but still functioning. At this point I present my fake I.D. The guy says, "Noooo way!" And I say, "Yea, I know, it's been a long time." He lets me in, we start playing pool. I buy the first round. After about two shots it hits me hard and I am drunk as hell, just plastered. Apparently I dozed off a bit, leaning on my pool cue and drooling. Then I woke up, wiped the drool off my mouth said, "I'm gonna puke" and went to the bathroom. I remember that part, then I tried to puke, apparently I was in there for an hour and a half. Next thing I know a bouncer is pulling me out and pushes me on the street. I look around and begin to kind of freak out because I see no one I know, I'm drunk as hell, and I need to get home. So I start walking, eventually I see someone. It's several of my friends, everyone, from what I barely remember, was asking if I was o.k. Two of them basically carried me home. Then two of our friends, both heading the direction we were coming from, see us and end up helping carry me, seeing as one of the ones helping was a girl much smaller than me. We get about halfway back to the hotel when I have to stop and puke, so I barf in the planter next to us. Then we head back. I just remember one instance where I could feel my feet dragging and my struggling to try and walk. Once we get back my friends take me to their room where I proceed to puke for quite some time, saying a bunch of stupid crap and just being an all around bitch. Eventually I apparently passed out on the tub, then crawled out of the bathroom and slept next to it. I don't remember because I blacked out after the last vomit. Apparently they woke me up at one point to ask me how I was and I mentioned that someone had taken my umbrella and they wouldn't give it back til I gave them 75 bucks. I was talking about my phone, because we found out it had been taken at Coyote Ugly, I eventually got that back for a small fee. But, back to the time frame. I woke up at some point in the morning, I'm thinking before 8, because they woke me up. I puked in the sink, then the toilet, then they took me back to my room where I thought I was going to puke again, didn't then fell asleep for awhile.

I was awoken to a knock, it was a friend telling me to head for the bus. So I got dressed and headed down. At this point I felt pretty alright, that is, until I got on the bus, then the urge to puke hit again. We went to the Memphis Botanic Garden, I had no camera or money cause it was all in my friends room and they had already gone to the bus. So I basically walked around like a zombie, drank water, and felt like I was going to barf again the entire time. After the Botanic Garden we headed to Graceland. The bus ride sucked, I fell asleep but it was shitty sleep. Then we get there, I still feel like I'm going to puke. The shuttle ride to the mansion wasn't bad, but once we got inside I thought I was going to puke everywhere, the smell of 60s and 70s furniture was absolutely nauseating. We get to the last room and I thought I seriously was going to puke, so I headed straight for the door to the outside. I didn't end up puking, thank god, I can't imagine what would have happened. Then I decided I'd look at the rest of the place. Didn't really have any mishaps after that, just felt shitty. Once the tour was over we headed back to the meeting spot where we walked around and looked around for a good deal of time, and I eventually started feeling much better. Not great but better. Once we got back to downtown I went and got my phone from the bouncer. I found that he had texted his girl with it, which kinda pissed me off, but whatever. Then I went and got Ginger Ale and some food, felt much better. That night I just hung out in the hotel, we watched some movies and talked and whatnot. Then the next morning we woke up and headed home.

Overall it was an alright trip other than the getting plastered and feeling like shit for longer than I was even drunk, but whatever, it's those kinds of experiences you learn from. Hope you enjoyed reading about my tomfoolery and utter stupidity.

April 14, 2010

So I usually try to stay away from posts like this, but its been awhile, and right now it's all I can think about. I'll write about the trip to Memphis later. Today has just been the shittiest day really. To start things off I woke up late, still got to class somewhat on time, but I hate being rushed in the morning just like everyone else. Then after that I had to deal with Financial Aid shit again. First problem, I get an email from the loan company saying that I have dropped below full time student status or am not attending school. Neither is true, therefore their information is wrong, and it's going to take all kinds of stupid shit to fix it. Then, on top of that I have a financial hold on my registration, again. Two semesters in a row. This stuff is bull shit, last year my loans didn't pay the full amount I accepted, so I think I shouldn't have to pay that amount. Now I'm waiting on the rest of some loans to go through, and because of that I had a balance charged to my account which ended up putting a hold on my account. All of that shit business should be taken care of now, but I'll find that out tomorrow once I log on to see if the payment went through. After all of that crap was done, or somewhat done I had to deal with finishing a project. On top of doing mine my professor asked me to help others as well, which is totally fine with me, but it does get difficult, especially when I don't know how to fix the problem, or I am having a problem. That's not even my problem though. I get to being all the way done, then when I go to print I have like 800 problems with it. It started with not having all necessary files when we were at the main building, so I had to go back and print from our lab. Not so bad right? Wrong, every time I tried to print something went wrong. On one computer the program kept crashing at the same point. Another, same problem. Third computer it finally works and I get it printed, after an hour of dealing with the shit. The only bright spots in the day were lunch with one of my friends, and hanging out on the South Quad with some others. Oh and during the break listening to Phoenix's album "Alphabetical": Great fucking album by the way, if you get the chance, listen.

April 6, 2010

I am basically going to wake up later and feel like shit. I just got back, still pretty drunk, but I had a lot of shit on my mind on the way back. First off, I have made a lot of great friends since Landscape Architecture started, and, even though it hasn't been that long, I'd have to say they're some of the best friends I've got, excluding the ones back home, let's just say the wolfpack is growing ;). Anyway, other than that I've kind of been off and on about someone, basically decided it's better to be off and just be good friends, in that case it's a win win situation. Other than that I just had the usual what do others think about me thing, and I would love for it to all be good, but reality is there are things I could work on. That's the case with anyone, but I think if you actually do try to work on those things that goes much further than just saying you are going to. And I hate to say it, but it's almost like my newer friends opinions count more than others, I still love my old friends, and I can't really explain why I feel this way, I just do. Basically if I get hated on for it so be it, I can't really control it, but as far as most things go down here they can only get better, I look forward to the next few weeks and what they will bring.

April 2, 2010

So basically these last few days have been hell. About the only thing to get me through all of my projects is new music I'm listening to which includes La Roux, Phoenix, and others. Although one of the great things to come out of that music is talking to people who have the same taste in music, and now basically we have a little pow wow of music trading going on, it's pretty awesome. Now, onto other things. The weather is getting to be great, and I love it, can't not want to be outside. Sitting in the studio is getting much more difficult now. I basically left class to go play catch and sit on the quad today, which was also pretty awesome, definitely ranks up there with the music pow wow. Now going to class was not so much fun, the first class was good because I found out I got a 96 on my last exam. The next class I found out I got a 76 on that exam. Needless to say, I was pissed, but no biggie, plenty of chances to improve. Other than that it's mainly been studio work, but I'm really looking forward to this weekend, and Monday too actually. I'll get to relax, but on Monday we are having a studio barcrawl so it should be a jolly good time.

One story I have to tell real fast is about my walk home just a bit ago. It's early Friday morning now, but people were walking home from the bars, most drunk as hell. So after breaking away from the other two I was walking with I get to this walkway that is sort of narrow, so it's a bit freaky at night, even though it's well lit, but there's been a lot of crime lately. As I'm walking I see this drunk guy ahead, munching on a cheeseburger. My first thought is,"Dear god I hope he knows I'm behind him before I'm right next to him and he hits me out of surprise." So, as I'm walking I'm getting closer. Next thing I know this dude jumps and spins. My immediate reaction is saying, "It's cool dude, it's cool, no worries." His response, "I saw your shadow." So I repeated myself and kept on walking. But the image of him doing this kept repeating and I kept laughing. Just think dramatic hampster as a drunk dude who turns and says, "I saw your shadow." It's hilarious, to me anyway. But that is what I leave you with, so good night/morning/afternoon. Whenever it is that you're reading this.

March 28, 2010

It's 1:23 a.m. About 20 minutes ago my dad finally got the toilet up and running, sort of, after about 2 hours. Why did he start working on it at 11? Good question, I'm going to assume it was mainly because he was drunk, but no big deal really, just had to listen to him bitch about it. As far as everything else goes though there really hasn't been too much happening. The other day I bought a pipe, of which I have yet to use, but that day is nearing. Other than that nothing real exciting has happened, I worked a couple days, turned in an application for my summer job and that's about it. I've mostly been sleeping, hanging out, and avoiding finishing this paper. I guess the main reason I'm even really typing this one out is because: 1) I wanna test out that new Retweet button you see on the right there. 2)I have a story that, if you're interested in any type of sci fi, you should enjoy, and 3) it's been quite awhile since the last blog.

Basically that's all I got for ya, here's the link to that story: http://www.asimovs.com/_issue_0206/thedaysbetween.shtml

Postdate: No Idea...

Wow, it's been over a week since my last post, but then again, time has been going way too fast lately. That's mainly due to the fact that I have had an incredible amount of work to do lately. First we had this project due today that was meant to be in book form, that took quite a bit of time, then I had another project due which takes some time because there is a lot of math and drawing required to do the assignment. On top of that we had a test for our Landscape History class which is pretty tough, so I had to study for that as well. Needless to say, 3 days later, at least 2 all nighters, being in the studio from 9 a.m. Wed. til 11 a.m. Thurs. made me pretty damn tired, I'm surprised I'm even still up, but once again my sleep schedule is all screwed up, no surprise. I did realize one thing last night/ this morning though while talking to a couple friends in the class. No matter how much work I have to do myself I will try and help someone with their project. I'm not real sure that's a completely good thing, in a way it's good that I'm helping someone, but at what cost to me? I enjoy helping them, but sometimes I get bogged down helping 3 or 4 people in a row. It's really no big deal this time around because I did get it done, it just took longer than expected. It also doesn't help working on computers, one because it's difficult to understand right away, so a lot of people have questions, and two, after working for 5 hours straight staring at a computer screen your eyes really begin to hurt and your brow feels like it's going to explode. All in all though I feel like my project came out pretty well, along with most everyone elses and I hope everyone got their projects in on time. Other than that though not much has really been going on sadly, so that is where I will stop this.

March 9, 2010

It seems as though this week is starting to look up somewhat. First our deadline for our project got pushed back several days from Sunday to next Friday. Only problem is I still need to do research and write a five page paper by Thursday. Other than that though it's only really been small things going on.
First I think I'll mention one of the things going on in my family. It seems as though my step-aunt is no longer happy in her relationship with my uncle. You know, that's all fine and dandy, I can't control his or her feelings, but when she starts posting semi-slanderous things on Facebook about some of the problems there having or just plain badmouthing him, well, in my eyes that's out of line. I actually said something to her about it at one point, and it stopped for awhile after that. Other things are happening at the moment right now, or at least I think they are, seeing as she deleted me from her friends. I'm not really sure how that solves any problems, but if she'd like to go about it like some high school teenager all the power to her.
Another thing that I've kind of realized recently is that thanks to Landscape Architecture I have made some great friends. Glad I met them, I really can't go more in depth than that cause there isn't much more to say.
So, I guess I'll just go back to what I was saying a bit earlier. At some point you would think people would grow up. Apparently that's not the case, and I'm not really sure what is wrong with people these days. One thing is the over exposure everyone on a social networking site gets, yet you can control how much you actually expose and for some reason quite a few people have a problem with that, including me in some instances, but nothing near as serious as marital problems. What's even worse is the people that think they know it all. I see these comments about 'all men are the same' and 'he's just an ass, you're gonna have to deal with it'. Damn straight you deal with it, don't fucking post it all over Facebook for your dumbass friends to comment on because they've 'been through it all before'. I wonder why you've been through it all before, maybe because you're a megacunt, I don't really know you woman, but that's definitely how you come off. Shit, I wouldn't even fuck you with your ex husband's dick. Anyway, back on topic. I sit here and say people need to grow up, kind of hypocritical really after that last little rant I just had, but that's just it, I'm still growing up, I'm 19, I've got a lot of good times ahead of me before I go out into the real world. So maybe I don't have these relationship problems, but dear god, if you can post this shit on Facebook and not even confront the man you married about it what kind of spine do you have? Facebook, Twitter, and social networking site, THEY ARE ALL PUBLIC. How difficult is it to get that through your head? I think I'm going to quit talking about this before I get really pissed, and I'm sorry for ranting or and offensive language. But I think a small part of me is actually hoping that somehow the people this is about read this, I'm ready for the shit storm, they can't really pack any kind of punch from what I've seen of their comments.
Overall though I'd say I'm in a pretty good mindset right now considering some things. Like how me and a girl in my class went to this Oriental restaurant and I am now feeling like shit, although I do feel much better now. I'd say this is the end of the blog for tonight, but I'd like to leave you with something I came up with from that time paper I had to write.

Time is nothing more than the moments we manufacture, so make the most of it.

March 6, 2010

Dear god it's been awhile since I posted one of these, and I feel bad for that. But these last few weeks have just been busy as hell, so much that I can't really remember a whole lot that had gone on. The one thing that I do have on my mind is this paper that we had to write for a class recently. It was 3000 words about Time. It sounds vague, it was vague. But it kind of got me thinking about how time really affects us, and seeing as I would've probably written way more than I need to if I really got into it I didn't explore some of the stuff I would have liked to. But one thought really popped into my head, if you really look into it time is nothing, it is only what we make it. For instance, take a look at all the different calendars there are. They are all fabrications of what each society believes time is. One year in China is a different one that say in America. That's not to say the entire world isn't on the same schedule though, because it is, and I'm not entirely sure how that came about, just a wide acceptance of some kind of standard I'm assuming. But if you take a little time to explore what it might be like if absolutely no one invented a calendar you might be surprised at what all wouldn't take place. First of all we would have no type of scheduling whatsoever, therefore we couldn't work, so we wouldn't have any kind of currency. No currency means no economy, so we would be bartering goods. Travel would also be affected. In fact, we would probably have to walk everywhere. Most everything we have would be gone. It seems as though time works as the base for everything else to function. Take this scenario. You're late for your haircut. This means that your appointment is behind, which pushes back the one behind you a little more, and the gap gets increasingly bigger, imagine if that went on for infinity, that last person, theoretically of course, would never be able to get a haircut, therefore being the most epic hippie ever. Unfortunately a lot of what I am thinking is hard to express through written word, and it's just too long, but I feel like I could talk about this idea for hours. I would probably get frustrated eventually because I would just not find any answers, but sometimes not finding answers is more gratifying in that you grow your thought process a little more. Regardless, that's the tangent I'm on tonight, if you've got anything to add don't hesitate to do so.

February 23, 2010

So last week and up until last night have been absolutely hectic, one reason I'm just getting around to this now. This weekend was actually a really nice break, but then Monday rolled around, and it was back to the normal crap. So first I'll start by just letting you know last week sucked ass because we thought we could breeze through the week with no hard work after finishing presentations on Wednesday. That wasn't the case, we ended up having two rough tests. One we've gotten back, which was the one I was late for and I got around an 82%. Not too bad considering. The other I'm still not sure about but I didn't study for it and it was supposed to be tough, when I took it though it seemed fine. That was on Friday. Then, Friday night I was hoping to go out but hadn't heard anything. So I give a couple friends a call and turns out they we're gonna be pregaming soon and invited me to join. Of course I couldn't pass up the offer so I got my beers from Greg's and headed for the apartment. When I got there I met one of my friends sisters and then we watched Supertroopers. Once that was over we headed to the bars, danced and all that fun stuff. Then we found out the cops were there so we finished up and left. We grabbed some pizza and at this point I'm pretty well gone, slipping on the snow and all fell while climbing over a short wall. We got back to our friends apartment, ate some pizza and watched part of Waiting... if I remember right. Then I headed home. I woke up the next morning feeling kinda crappy but that went away fast. Saturday must've been pretty uneventful considering I don't remember what I did, and same with Sunday other than grabbing some stuff at Walmart then getting some Wendy's. Sunday night I found out around 8 we had a project due the next morning so I got that somewhat finished, it was pretty bad as far as quality goes but I wasn't too worried about that anymore. Then Monday I go to class, we do the normal learning crap. Find out somewhere around noon we have to resubmit our work, so I get that done and eat lunch. My second class comes up, we talk about the next project which should be pretty cool in the end, then we were done way early, I decided to get some work done then headed back and grabbed dinner. Monday night was by far the shittiest night of all because I had to finish another project in AutoCAD. I went in at 7 p.m. thinking I could get out of the studio by 10. Wrong, it was more like 1:30 a.m. Needless to say I wasn't too happy by the end of it. Then I came home, passed out, woke up, went to class, and then now I'm here. From the time I got home til I started writing this I was looking up family history of which I've gotten back to the mid 1500's which is cool as hell, to me anyway. But, other than that I've really got nothing else.
Lately I've been wondering what I should do as far as relationships go though. I know I'm alright with being single, but having some kind of thing going would be pretty nice. I don't know though, it seems like that could be happening and yet I could be wrong. There's too much second guessing and dullheadedness going on on my part. But I'll take the advice of Kayla and not look because it seems when you aren't looking you find something, so I'll just go with the flow, seeing as I'm content with how some things are going. So yea, that was my last thought, have a good night, morning, day, whatever time it is when you're reading this, and thanks for doing so.

February 16, 2010

So because of how I was feeling during the last post I completely left out what had happened over the weekend, which is a disappointment because it was such a great time. Zack, Justin, and Kayla came down to visit on Friday, if you ask Greg it was just to visit him, which is fine with me. Of course having visitors means going to a hockey game on campus which is normally fun but that night they played horrible and we ended up losing the game. Afterwords though we went back to Greg's place where we had some drinks and ordered pizza. Then, around 11 or 12, the times are disputed I'm thinking it's more around 12, I got a text message from another friend seeing if we were coming out to the bars. So after a bit Justin, Zack, and I all got ready and headed to Murphy's. On the way there we ran into the friend we were supposed to meet, but he was cool about it and went back in with us, he was our only ticket to getting booze. So when we get there we all have proper I.D. except for Zack, who only has a ticket and his school I.D. Thankfully they had accepted it and let us in. We had two rounds then headed out. First we headed to my studio so I could show them around, and show them the work I had done, that may have been a bad idea if we were any more drunk, but it turned out to be quite a good adventure. On the way we were on the Quad when Zack heard people yelling and decided we should as well. Justin ended up howling and Zack made some video game noise. When we got there we headed up, I showed them my work and introduced them to the two people in studio, it was around 2 or 2:30 a.m. I believe. Eventually we headed out, but not before we first took all of the pushpins on a board and made a penis out of them, stupid, I know. Then there were some bags along one of the hallway walls so I decided it would be a great idea to sprint and slide into them, turns out it was fun as hell, but then I had to stop because Zack and I had to race down the hallway again. After that we headed back to Greg's where we played a game of Connections in which I got screwed with a high card just about every time. Before we got there though Zack decided he wanted a piggy back ride, so I gave him one, then Justin thought it would be hilarious to push us over, and it was, but it also hurt like hell afterward. Once we got inside we warmed up and started that game of Connections up. Eventually I was pretty damn drunk along with everyone else when all of a sudden Greg's crotch is nearing my face, I can't remember the words that were said at the moment, but just screwing around I hit him in the happy sacks, I thought it was a soft hit, apparently I smashed 'em like hell. Then, as I'm just sitting laughing and apologizing Zack punches me in the happy sacks, so I'm writhing in pain, then Greg does it as well, so I'm in double pain lying on the floor. Eventually I kind of fall asleep until they start talking about doing something to me to which I wake up and promptly smack my head off of the bottom of the chair I was apparently under. I don't remember what exactly happened after that but I know shortly after Zack and I headed back to my place. We headed to bed, then in the morning I wake up to a kick in the ribs which scared the hell out of me, but it was an accident on Zack's part. He was having trouble getting out of the bunk bed. So, while I lay in bed trying to get my bearings a bit Zack checks his Facebook and whatnot on my computer, then later on I discover he changed my background to the cereal guys drinking, smoking, and looking at porn. We grabbed some lunch a little later which only made me slightly feel better and then they headed home. All in all it was a good time. Other than that I went to the studio to work on my project, which didn't really work until Sunday because I felt so sick on Saturday. Then Monday came and that's what my last blog covers. I'm glad they came down to visit, it turned out to be some real fun, and Justin if you happen to actually look at this, no I haven't done her yet.

February 15, 2010

So lately the only thing I've been doing is finishing up a project for my Landscape Architecture class. This afternoon was the review. Needless to say I was feeling pretty good about my design going into the presentation today. Well, the professors that critiqued us obviously weren't. One guy really didn't have much to say, but that's cause he's an architect, not a landscape architect, the other two on the other hand had plenty to say, some good, the rest, bad. It kind of sucked. They liked the idea of having a deck and a pergola and all, but for everything else they seemed less than impressed. One major comment I got was that I had had one of the best diagrams to that point. All of this kinda disenchanted me a little bit and now I feel like I've taken one huge step backward after all of the progress I had made last semester. All I can really do at this point is wait for next project to start and just knock that one out of the park. As far as pictures go I will have a post up with them in it sometime after it is graded and returned.

February 9, 2010

So I had to get on here to let it be known that there is finally some good news. My registration has gone through at the school and I can now go get a new I card which will happen in the morning. As far as much else goes I'm a bit swamped with projects and papers but that's no big deal, I've done it before I can do it again. As far as the rest of life though, not too much going on right now.

February 7, 2010

Alright, so not too much has been going on lately. Came home Friday night with Greg from the U of I and it took 3 hours, twice what it takes on a good day. This was all thanks to shitty road conditions that started when we finally got around to leaving after our classes. Once we got home I hung out at my house for a bit. Then Kayla came and got me, we went and got some drinks then picked up our friend Zack from work. From there we headed to Justin's house where we just hung out and talked, I made some horrible jokes, and we drank. Kayla decided she wanted to go to Kroger to get some food so I drove her over there, we got food, then came back, hung out til around 4. Kayla took me home and I went straight to bed. I had to wake up around 8:30 a.m. to head to Buffalo Grove for my brothers hockey game.
It was a long as car ride, and I fell asleep, but I was so uncomfortable. We waited forever for the game to start, about 2 hours, then watched the game. During the game several things happened, and my brothers team lost, but one of the parents for the other team exposed his complete lack of class by calling one of my brothers teammates a loser. Things almost escalated but thankfully our team parents can hold their tongues. After that incident we headed to Giordano's for pizza, which was delicious. Then headed home.
This drive also took 3 hours, we got home, then me and my mom went to Walgreen's so she could get tea and I could get some cough drops because sometime earlier in the week I developed a scratchy throat, and I don't need to be sick right now. And from then on I've just been sitting around watching T.V.
There's two things I've realized this weekend. 1) Bud Light Golden Wheat is an alright beer, a bit too fruity for my taste but good enough. 2) I don't like comin' home too much anymore, it kind of feels like a waste of time sometimes. I mean, I like coming to see family and all, but lately I just get easily annoyed and don't do anything. I could be down at school right now either partying or working on my project, but instead I'm sitting at home watching Richard Pryor on B.E.T. alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad, just slightly boring.
So anyways, that's about it, and I can't really wait til Sunday night for the Super Bowl and then to go back to school. Until my next post, take it easy.

February 4, 2010

I guess I'm at that point in my life where I'm really beginning to find out what kind of guy I am. I'm old enough to know what I want in one way or another. What I'm getting at is that I know I don't want "the one" yet, but, I do want to meet some of those girls that are content with being more than friends, and not necessarily in the sexual way either, more like the hang out cuddle session. Because honestly I can find cuddling just as satisfying as sex. I can't really explain it, that's just how I feel. Any of my friends can tell you I'm quite the emotional guy. To be honest, I wouldn't change it for anything, that's what makes me who I am. Without emotion you can't let others know how you feel. Originally what I was going to write about was the questions you tend to dwell upon immediately after a break up, if you got broken up with that is. And these questions even sometimes come up several months after a break up as well. I'm going through a bit of that now. I'm not too emotionally invested in what the answers might be, but more interested in the answers as a tool to grow with. If I know what they're concerns were about the relationship, exactly why we broke up, or how they felt most of the time, well, then I can change it in later relationships. Would I go back with any of my past girlfriends? Hell no, in every relationship I've had they haven't ended real well. My last one did at first, until I found out she had cheated on me. I found out about it after we were already broken up, but the incident happened while we were still together. So when confronted about it she freaked out and other shit happened later on, which I believe I refer to in an earlier post documenting the text messages I received about working with her. Anyway, these kind of things raise questions like did you really love me? or why would you do something like that? or will you be completely honest about what went on? There are hundreds upon hundreds more questions, but not a point in listing them.
I guess the next question would be why do guys like me get passed up so easily? I treat women with the utmost respect. I may be a bit old-fashioned in some ways, but that is how I was raised, and from what I've seen from other people it's a good thing. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong to get the gorgeous girl. Anyway, I hope you comment on this, maybe answering my last question, either way I'm fine if you don't. I figured I would post an entry since it's been quite sometime.
Oh, by the way, all of the financial aid problems are taken care of, I should be registered by some time this week, it's finally happening.

January 26, 2010

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post, and I apologize for that. I've just been pretty busy, stressed out, and somewhat depressed over some of the recent problems in my life. One of which would be my college loan taking forever to go through. This is a combination of my mothers "lack of drive" let's call it, the government taking so damn long on this just like everything else, and the school putting a hold on my registration. I'm still waiting on this loan to go through and I have until February 1st to register, but I'm getting nervous. From what it sounds like everything should be fine, but there's still a part of my that worries, a big part of me. Hopefully everything works out because I truly believe Landscape Architecture is what I was meant to do and I would like to stay with the great friends I have made in the class.
As far as everything else goes I really haven't been doing much, went out last friday, had some drinks, went to the hockey game, went back out for more drinks. Then saturday I just went to the hockey game. Lately I've been wanting to try to get some more lady friends, but I'm not too graceful with that, and at the moment I'm so stressed out it wouldn't be a good idea anyway. So, as far as life goes right now I'm kinda fucked, but it's pretty much whatever, I'll suck it up like I have been and go with the flow, hopefully the flow takes me where I want to be though. So, for this blog post I am done, have a good night, good morning, good whatever time of day it is. I hope your life is going much better than mine.

January 18, 2010

So lately nothing good has really happened to be quite honest. I still can't register for classes and they start tomorrow. This is because my parents decided to wait til the last minute to get loan things covered, so I have a financial hold on my account. So, because of this I'll be going back to school and waiting to be able to register while trying to figure out how to get this hold taken care of quicker. Other than that nothing has been happening. I've been working somewhat, and realizing that the people there, well, some of them, actually do respect me even though I'm a lowly skate guard. So, who knows, if I can continue this work ethic I could be well known in the Landscape Architecture community some day. Other than that I've just been trying to get some other things straightened out before I head back to Champaign, in a way I'm gonna miss Peoria until summer. But I'm thinking that's more the city itself and some of my friends, and eventually my family although at the moment I'm not too happy with some of them, there are a lot of issues that need to be brought up at some point so they can be resolved later on. As far as life goes at the moment I can tell you I'm not really down, or pissed off like you think I should be. I've kind of accepted the fact that things like this happen, especially in my situation, I should've seen this coming a long time ago so it didn't surprise me in the least bit. So I'm taking my own advice and just going with the flow, I'm sure it will work out for the best in the end. As far as getting to school goes I can't wait to see my fellow classmates, I miss the hell out of 'em but I may not get to see them right away thanks to the earlier stated situation.

So, wish me luck and hopefully this works out sooner rather than later

January 10, 2010

Not a whole lot of good things have happened recently, in fact, almost none. I'm not completely sure what all has happened since my last post considering days have run together a lot lately. A couple days ago is the most fresh in my mind at the moment. I was going to go out to Steak N' Shake with Kayla, Zack, and Justin around 2 a.m. So I left a little early to get gas and pick Justin and Zack up. The car was running just fine. We headed down the street and got to War Memorial, things are going great and I mention how the car had been a little problematic lately when Zack says, "Wouldn't it suck if your car broke down?" To which the car replied immediately with a total engine shutdown, while I was travelling at 45 m.p.h. At that moment I was trying to get the car restarted but it wouldn't do it, so I pulled it over to the shoulder, let it sit for a minute and tried again, no luck, not even one turnover of the engine. So I got out and checked the engine, it was steaming and fizzling/popping so I closed the hood and got back in. We got ahold of Kayla and she came and got us and we went to Steak N' Shake, now it's about 3 a.m. if I remember correctly. Once we had our fill of conversation and food or beverage we headed back to my car for a possible fix, after a bit of canoodling no luck at all. So Kayla took us all home. I did not go to bed that night, it was a combination of horrible sleep pattern, caffeine, and worry that either the car would be towed/impounded/ticketed or my parents would freak on me.
I worked later that day as well, so it was a longggg day. I also worked that night, and William, my best friend, wanted to go see a movie that night, so of course I did after not seeing him for awhile. We saw the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. I did not sleep for about 40 hours or so, it sucked. I ended up in bed at an early 1:30 a.m. last night. When I woke up I went back to work again, I should mention now that the last 3 shifts I've worked have been great, mainly due to the influx of beautiful girls coming to skate and the people I worked with. Then after work I watched a hockey game, picked up my Xbox from Burl's house, came home and ate, and sat on the computer up until now, in which I'm writing this blog.
This is the first blog in which I'll mention on idea I had today when we stopped at Kroger's for dinner. When we pulled up for some reason my attention was drawn to the roof of the buildings housing the several shops, including Kroger's. Some odd things catch my attention lately, but I think that's all a part of my mind trying to explore my surroundings, which I'm trying to do a lot more lately. Anyway, back to the point. It brought a memory back about how we should conserve materials and energy by moving back into city centers, which can only work if we provide jobs and supplies in the area within walking distance. But I thought, seeing this huge area of unused space on the roof, what if we took that same idea and reworked it a bit? When you see a downtown area, mainly one that is taking on the reurbanization idea, a lot of vertical space is taken up which allows for surrounding environment to be undeveloped therefore making the climate more acceptable. Now, if we applied that same "stencil" lets call it, to the business that promote urban sprawl we could provide several more people places to live. But what would make them more appealing? Well, one, it's within walking distance of shops many people feel the need to normally drive to so it saves fossil fuels and drastically cuts down on pollution. These spaces could also be affordable housing or government subsidized for the less fortunate allowing people to work their way back to the median and helping the city to eventually increase revenue. This is also appealing because it combats the very thing the buildings are a part of, urban sprawl. In a way it doesn't really stop sprawl, but because so many people come to these areas, stripmalls and whatnot, they become city centers and eventually downtowns deteriorate. So if these living spaces were built it strengthens this new city center. This contributes to an earlier idea I had had about a way to combat terrorism by making several different centers instead of one therefore making it harder to cripple an area like New York so easily. But in order for that to work and be environmentally friendly we would have to promote public transportation more, maybe once I think this stuff over a little more I'll come up with a better plan and post the clearer more readily do-able version.

January 5, 2010

So nothing has happened since my last post really. And all I have to right about is the fact that the stress I'm experiencing at the moment is rooted by the fact that I'm deathly afraid of failure. At the moment I cannot register for classes, because I owe over $6000 for my student account, and seeing as its been like 30 days or whatever they put a hold on my registration. This sucks because so far it hasn't been paid and I still need to register for classes. Of course it doesn't help that it is taking my Mom forever to find a cosigner for the loan, which will pay off most of this debt and allow me to register. I guess this just wears on me because I don't want to miss a semester of college. If I do I'll feel like a failure, like I'm failing my family, friends, everyone. It sucks, and at the moment it's making me feel sick and tired.
But, I guess everything works out in the end, for better or for worse, in my case hopefully for the better.

January 3, 2010

First off, Happy New Year everyone. Now that that's outta the way let's talk about whats happened the past few days. It's been pretty nice to be off work for two days in a row now, but I kinda miss it as well. Lately my brother Jake, our friend Burl, and I have been playing a lot of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 in Burl's basement, it's usually a pretty good time even though I get really ticked when I loose and begin to yell and swear. But, on New Years Eve there was a party at a friends house, and I had to attend, mainly cause it had been too long since my last beer, so it was nice to drink again. Seeing as it was a good occasion and my friends were all together I got really fucking hammered. I only remember patches of the night. When I got there we chatted for a bit, I cracked open the first brew and from then on the night got better, then way bad, then kinda lackluster. Me and another friend, Reid, played pool for awhile, then Rockband 2 in which I sang and played guitar/bass. At this point I was pretty damn drunk, so I'm not sure how bad I sounded/ played, but I have heard that I wasn't the main source of "entertainment" at that time. In between Rockband and the like we celebrated the New Year by drinking champagne and just hung out. At one point in the night there was a little blowout between two friends which resulted in several angry people, but all in all the night got a little better. It was around the cool down time when I decided I needed another beer, once I finished it I repeatedly tried to smash it on my head, at least 5 times from what I'm told, I do have a bruise, but not much of one. At some point in the night I had shotgunned two beers as well. Needless to say I got pretty drunk that night.

Best part was I woke up with not even the slightest hangover, just a sore spot from trying to smash that beer can. Once we got up we headed home, at that point I was still extremely tired since I went to bed around five a.m. and woke up at eleven a.m. So I went back to bed til about four p.m. I was still somewhat tired but not nearly enough to go back to sleep, so I ate dinner, then me and my brother headed back to Burl's house. I informed Burl of what had gone on after he left the party early, he hadn't had a drink and saw that the party was going to be a shit show from midnight on. From then on we played Call of Duty. It's been somewhat of a ritual lately, we buy Arnold Palmer's from Walgreens, play the game, and drink the Arnold's all night, head home, do it again the next night. It's fun, and we haven't seen Burl in a long time, so we're getting time in now.

Other than that nothing has been going on really. I did some things at that party that I can't remember and no one else I talk to can help me with. But it's not a horrible thing. But seeing as how the year started I think this is going to be a great year and I hope it is the same for you.