September 28, 2010

For the last few weeks I've been pretty down. No money, a lot of work, and several other things that just don't seem to go my way, including some family issues I still haven't worked out. All in all my life feels like hell. I got real, real down one night, felt like I was a worthless nobody, then I wrote down everything I was thinking about and after about two hours I felt ten times better. Everything was good for a few days, then the pain of having no money hit again, and I got a call from my Mother telling me a family friend had died, not really anything I can do about it, but it still sucks. But then tonight happened.

First I went to this show "Elephant" put on by one of the professors/alums here at the U of I. It was actually pretty freakin' cool, a lot to enjoy, it was an art piece in the form of acting, dancing, storytelling, and a theatrical experience as well. After that I headed to the studio to start working on my project, which sucked. Then I started talking to one of my good friends who's been having a rough go at it as well. So I did what I always do and listened to her. That's probably what I'm best at anyway. Then it dawned on me, if I have no other purpose in life but to be a friend for someone who needs it, then I'm fine with that. I mean yea, Landscape Architecture is my passion, and I will continue learning it and eventually become a Landscape Architect, but I will always be a friend to someone in need. Now, I'm not saying once that need is gone I'm gone, I just want to be there for someone like so many have done for me. This girl I've been talking to lately, yea, we've only known each other for about a year, but I would do just about anything for her, mainly because it seems that would just help her a ton, but because I'm in the same situation in a lot of ways, her problems are different, but they tend to mirror mine. Some things she's going through are a lot different than anything I've ever experienced so I'm just trying to be understanding and offer what little advice I can. Basically everything I can gather from that and many other conversations I've had with others can be put into one thought. Maybe I'm here to be the person to talk to, maybe I should take that time away to just help others. I could be wrong, but for now, if that's what's keeping me sane then I'll continue to help others stay sane as well.

September 6, 2010

You know, I really don't understand it. After everything I talked about in my last post for some reason I still see myself as a nobody, like I haven't accomplished anything and there's no reason for anyone to be proud of me. I was feeling good about today, thing were looking up. Then when I get home tonight my brother starts talking to me on Facebook and all of sudden things just took a nose dive. He started freaking out on me, saying I've been acting like a dickhead and an asshole. Then signed off with the final thing said "Youre a fucking dickhead". How's that supposed to make me feel. It's all relatively unwarranted, especially that fact that he and my mother both felt the same way. Yea, I'm talking to a girl, big deal, it doesn't make me change my mood towards them. Yet for some reason that's what they associate it with. So that's just one more thing to add to the pile. He defriended on Facebook, for some reason that feels like the ultimate dis. I guess because everyone we're friends with can see that, I'm not sure, it just got to me, I broke down. Everything that had been wearing away at me hit me all at once and there was nothing I could do. Maybe I have a pretty privileged life, but for some reason I still feel like an unfit person, and it's all backed up by the way they've been treating me. I feel like such a baby even complaining about it. But over the last four years I've seen how much more favored than me he is for some reason.

So basically it's going to go a little something like this. I'm going to let it ride, if he doesn't want to talk to me ever again, so be it. I don't mind being "that guy" at this point, seems like I have been all along. People can take me as I am, I don't really care anymore. I'm going to take my grandfathers advice and concentrate on me, I don't need to worry about other people's problems.

September 5, 2010

It's been a really long time since I've been on here. Summer is a difficult time to get on the computer because I always want to be outside. School started two weeks ago but I've been busy with that so I just haven't been on. My summer in summary was pretty alright, I worked a lot at Luthy Botanical Garden which made it my fifth summer there, so overall it was pretty much the same. Other than that I occasionally hung out with friends. Lately is a little more interesting though.

Once again I don't have financial aid finished and it's two weeks into school. Why isn't it finished? Because for some reason, even though I'm now a Junior in college my Mom decided that she would take her time once again, then makes the excuse that the amount went up. It's been pretty difficult for me lately as far as dealing with my mother goes. For some reason she seems more hesitant to help me out than she does my younger brother Jake. He seems to get all the breaks and it drives me nuts, but there's not much I can do about it other than complain. So when I consistently bug her about getting financial aid taken care of I get smart remarks all the time. Or when I confronted my brother about the night I let him borrow my car and he didn't do anything he told me he was going to do with it. Instead of teaching him a lesson she instead yelled at me for "putting everyone in the middle of it". I don't understand her, the only thing I can think is that he's had her so jaded because of the fact that her baby is now going away to college. Big deal if you ask me, he needs to grow up, she's babied him so much he's afraid to go away to college. Yet I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to come up with the money for rent and school, it's stressful, and makes me feel sick, but that's put on the wayside. I wish I was able to do all of this on my own, but I'm nowhere near financially stable enough.

As far as everything else goes I've been busy as hell with school, that's about all I've got for that. I've been talking to this girl for quite some time now. I don't know where it'll go, all I know is I'm beginning to like her and I'm afraid she doesn't reciprocate the feeling which would suck, but I'd much rather be friends than that awkward acquaintance anyway. So I don't really know what to do with that whole situation.

Overall my life has been pretty shitty, and it's got me down in the dumps, but like every other time I'll just let things roll and eventually come out on the other side of the tunnel.